I haven’t really laid out how I’ve been doing emotionally on this trip. Yes I knew it would be taxing having to speak Spanish all day and draining because I have 10 kids under the age of 5 and 5 of them still in diapers, but I haven’t thought much about the kids themselves. Yeah it’s easy when you just think of them as kids that live here nothing more, but when I hear the older ones pray at night it breaks my heart. Every one of them prays for their mom and dad, and I’m sitting there knowing that some of them don’t have a mom and dad. Their reaction to my parents being here is crushing, and it’s been a week but they still ask about my parents. And when I leave what am I supposed to say ok goodbye going back to my nice house, my nice room to a family that loves and misses me?
It would be so much easier if this was just an orphanage. I can handle the idea (it’s heart wrenching, but I can handle it) of these children not having parents because of some unknown reason, that I can put my mind around and yes it’s hard but is do able. But when I have to be told that I need to watch when I play with a 5 year old where he puts his hands and when he’s playing with the other kids because he was sexually abused that my mind will never comprehend. Some come from abusive situations and other just abandoned. But even the ones that have no home like a 4 year old in my house(whose been here 4 years), Lord help him because he is always in a state of anxiety because he has no idea what’s happening in the future. I can’t help but cry out to God for Him to provide a forever family for all these kids.
Tonight I’m having a hard time battling with my flesh! Please pray that I can overcome it because all I want to do is go home! Not because speaking Spanish all day is hard or because I’m home sick or because every night I’m so drained and brain dead, but because in three weeks I’m leaving these beautiful children here and going back to my perfect world but it’s not really the perfect world that’s important it’s something as little as knowing that I have a family!
Praise the Lord for this place this is a place of refuge of abused and abandoned children. It’s a healing place for those whose spirits are broken and even at age 5 think they have no purpose in life. It’s a place of rediscovery that their lives do matter. It’s a place for children to receive physical and emotional needs while learning all about the most important thing which is to have Christ in their hearts.
Please pray for me as I keep my head up while trying and make a difference in these kid’s lives. That the Lord will work in my life because when dad asked me tonight if I was glad to be here I couldn’t answer yes because I know that in a couple weeks I leave. And please pray the Lord help me find purpose in this trip. (I know he doesn’t have to have one) I meet with the Director Monday to hear more about the kids in my house and their past, please pray that the Lord will emotionally prepare me for that because now I am not. As much as I want and need prayer for myself emotionally I also ask that you pray for each one of my children that the Lord will provide for them a forever family that will love and provide for them. I so desire that for all of them I’ve never had a stronger desire!
All of this is just another reminder that I have nada que dar!
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